Satire


THE PLENTIFUL DIRT PSALM

The earth is my dump ground;
I shall not want.
It lets me litter in green pastures;
it lets me befoul the clear waters.
It empties my hands.
It shows me clean places for wastefulness for my own sake.
Yea, while I walk through the valley full of garbage & filth
I fear no retrieval,
for my country is free.
Your roads and your paths are for me;
you have provided terrain for me with the absence of authorities;
you cover my junk with snow.
My can overflows.
Surely rodents & insects will follow me all the days of my life,
and I dwell in the trash of the world forever.

LIBERTY GRAFFITI Give me your beat, your poor, Your multitudes dying for money, The miserable rejects of your swarming shore. Send these, the needy, the ignorant to me. I start a line of credit at the open door!
I pledge allegiance to the dollar of the corporations of the world and to the plutocracy for which it stands one world under mammon indebted with freedom and favoritism for a few.
REVISED PREAMBLE
We the wealthy of the United States, in Order to form a more perfect Illusion, pretend Justice, insure common Conformity, provide for the upper-class defense, promote corporate Welfare, and secure the Blessings of Liberty to the selfish and their Profligacy, do ordain and establish this Consternation for the United States of America.

THE AMERICAN CREED

I believe in the United States of Armorica as a nation of the rich, by the rich, and for the rich; whose pompous powers are devised from the credulity of the governed; a plutocracy in a disrepublic; a suffering nation of many suffering states; a simulated union multiple and divisible; established upon the principles of greed, inequality, injustice, and vanity for which the American faithful have lost their savings and their lives. I therefore believe it is my duty to my country to sack it, to re-interpret its Constitution, to abuse its laws, to capitalize on its flag, and to let others defend it against all my enemies. So help me God.


THE SERMON IN THE BANK

Seeing the mindless masses, he went into a bank and when he was seated, his shareholders came to him. He opened his mouth and taught them, saying: Blessed are the rich in stocks and bonds for theirs is heaven on Earth. Blessed are they that invest in my corporation for they shall make me wealthy. Blessed are the proud for they shall inherit the universe. Blessed are they who hunger and thirst after self-righteousness for they shall be filled with self-importance. Blessed are the merciless for they shall have power. Blessed are the hard of heart for they shall rules as gods. Blessed are the warmongers for they shall be called the warriors of God. Blessed are they who persecute for their own sake for theirs is the power of torture. Blessed are you, when men shall envy you and admire you and shall say all manner of praise of you blindly for my sake.

APOLOGIUM AD LINGUA DEXTRA

We are obligated to institute by nationalized legislation that the English language be actuated with the utilization of verbiage and configuration to promulgate the professionally intellectualized expression of apparently educated personages in the populace. Linguistic influence is optimally accomplished by the constant and continual usage of impressive grammar, syntax, and vocabulation. The lengthiest and obscurest verbal demonstration of sophisticated erudition efficaciously impacts the impressionable sensibilities of less illuminated individuals who habitate in magnitudinous enumeration every environ of our rotund solaristic domain. Therefore, this multitudinous population by necessitation should be indoctrinated with the absolutely correct and cooperational function of syllabic constructiveness that emanates from the magnificent orifices in the inferior segment of our anterior physiognomies. Only at that situation in contemporaneous progression shall homosapiens exist in an atmosphere of communicative potentiation commensurate with lingual capabilities appropriate for superior entities anointed by a Supreme Being with the bequest of unique and universal confabulation of ordinary utterance.

ALL YOU NEED TO KNOW

Take the test and score among the chosen to be educated. Train to compete against the world to make the country Number One—simple as that. What a marvelous distillery this theory of schooling for the masses. Crowd into classrooms memorize the facts then feed them back on tests until year end. Graduate with a certificate of knowledge in one hand a job contract in the the other. Grades are all that count so use your brains to get the highest marks. Do not think about thinking for its own sake. The facts as handed down are what matter; the truth will only shake the status quo. Besides, it is much too difficult to know. Do what you are told to fit into the mold. Accept gratefully what little you get for students should not expect too much.

Deprivation is another test to find out if one has the wherewithal to rise above the commonplace and stand among the best. Poverty is not an evil in itself as are the poor who will not find a way to make the wealth that proves a good man from a bad but just the crucible that separates the gold from filthy ore in which concealed. Be thankful for a desk where you can work; although, it teeters on legs uneven. Be thankful that you have the light to see what you are supposed to do provided that the tubes and wires are operative. God knows we need a brightened world in which we can enlighten our minds even though illumination filters through filthy glass and seeps from dirty lamps. But most of all be grateful for the teacher who stands before you with so little honor and reward. Forget that sometimes he bores you to sleep with long monotonous lectures on obscure and occult facts of ancient history or that perhaps she inundates you with exercises which fill the hours in class and out. Forgive him when he seems to care nothing for your concerns but pursuing partial pay for part-time work dashes off from school to school. At least you have a teacher for the course unless you are turned away for lack of space and personnel because the wealthy ones in power refuse to share their excess with institutions as insignificant as education for the commonweal. If you should be fortunate to endure the years of memorizing names and dates places and events theories and facts and definitions only to be tested to forget along the way to graduation and if you should choose the right subject for the best career then money and prestige will honor you for following the rules. But do not be so foolish as to think that school is to awaken and enrich the mind or to ennoble heart and soul for life. No, the schools are training camps to make the young competitors of industry so their captains can dominate the world. But take the test. It is worth a try to be touted as the best that market based society can reproduce today. What have you got to lose? Your ignorance will be intact and if you pass you can pretend you are among the national elite for having got a college degree. Then your earning power will be excellent if you decide to join an industry recognized as invaluable to the rich and powerful such as high technology marketable science and art persuasive communications fossil fuel development and sales of weaponry for war to every third rate country in the world that has the cash to pay. You see you have a lot to gain by going on through school: feeling full of self-importance fat as your wallet and a usefulness to your employers happy as long as you are able to produce.

Remember, dogs are eating dogs out there and cats are eating birds. Try to fly to high alone and you wind up a turd guttered to the sea along with all the waste expelled from rectal pipes that jut from this consummate industriage. Getting to the top counts for most of what you learn. Winners are the ones who receive the adulation of the crowd; losers are left alone to die. Intelligence means the most to score or make a profit but do not try to learn too much or think creatively for intellectualism is a stamp of heresy assigned to renegades who would dare to change the world. Things are fine the way they are. Worry not a beat. What you know not hurts you not. Do not give another thought but look for only personal gain as everything that matters anyway. Everyone knows we are on this Earth to enjoy ourselves. So get whatever you can before the clock winds down and tally up the fun you have and all the things you have collected from your winnings in this global game of life. Thus, serious education is a waste of time and no one listens to eggheads anyway. So simply pass the tests offered by all the powers that we let control us solely for their benefit. And if you are fortunate to be selected to perform a mediocre task that pays you well then you shall find your happiness; you shall find your reason for being. That is all you know and all you need to know. MONEY MEANS POWER Congress in its inimitable wisdom passed a law today that requires all candidates for public office to pass a financial means test. Their rationale for such a revolutionary piece of legislation is that the wealthy are the only citizens suitable to be the elected officials of a superior nation like the United States of America. The author of the bill, Representative Quentin Argant, Republican of Texas, explained that since the rich are often corporate executives or because they otherwise hobnob with the moguls of corporate power, they are best able to channel the nation's financial resources to where they can be most useful. Their benefactors would be those who finance and manufacture the goods to keep consumers buying their way into debt, to keep third-world workers properly indentured all day every day, and to keep the war machine fully armed in its endless conflict with disagreeably different people everywhere. According to Representative Argant, the means test for financial superiority should be a simple affair. Individuals who own fleets of expensive vehicles, adorn themselves with the latest fashions, alternately reside in multiple mansions worldwide, and demonstrate their abundance as ostentatiously as possible should be the only ones seriously considered as the representative leaders of this grand country.


PERSONAL RENDITION

Rumors from the world of entertainment reveal the advent of the ultimate reality series, a new show called PERSONAL RENDITION. According to a leak of the secret storyline, moonlighting covert government operatives will kidnap hapless individuals who resemble those among us whom we have come to fear and hate. These secret agents will grab selected individuals traveling to work, dining of an evening with family, or sleeping peacefully in their beds, and then whisk them to foreign countries that practice the most dramatic policies of imprisonment. Specialists with histories of abusing animals during childhood, bullying classmates on the playgrounds, and hitting-and-running over pedestrians have been chosen to interrogate the incarcerated contestants. To surpass the popularity of shows such as FEAR FANTASY and MOCK HEROICS in the ratings, PERSONAL RENDITION or PR, as it is abbreviated by its producers, plans to cause participants to suffer in imaginative ways unseen since the glory days of the Spanish Inquisition. Scuttlebutt has it that the Rendos, as they are affectionately called, will inflict sufficient mental and physical assaults on their victims to drive them to the brink of insanity and injury with insuperable anguish. This being a game show, obviously the prisoners are going to compete with each other for a grand prize. The incarcerated contestant who survives the ordeal without revealing innermost secrets, despite the misery and pain inflicted, will be rewarded with an invitation to a private dinner with the detainees at one or another of the many clandestine U.S. prison camps throughout the world. After being criticized by a few sensitive liberal organizations for practicing torture as entertainment, the producers vehemently defend their show. In fact, executive producer, Michael Maladroit, in a pre-premiere interview said, "According to a recent declaration by the U.S. Department of State, torture is defined as the infliction of harm on mind or body that results in permanent damage to the emotional or physical well being of the human subject, er, contestant. Our Rendos of course will stop their proceedings before anyone gets hurts beyond a few bruises and teardrops or screams for mercy." When asked how the Rendos on his show would know when such damage occurs, he said, "Simple. If the prisoners, I mean the contestants, stop breathing, we halt, call for the crash cart, and resuscitate them." He laughed. "Seriously, we will have medics monitoring them at all times. Any sign of prolonged catatonia or cardiac arrest and they will promptly administer emergency first aid. We expect to save all our contestants. At worst we may lose a tolerable 1.5 %. Considering that the show may well be the most popular of all time and reap monetary rewards beyond our wildest dreams, that figure is a paltry price to pay for success."

BLESSED INDIVIDUALISM

The National Institute for Patriotism has declared the act of sharing an un-American activity. At a press conference today, Daniel Selvitch explained that since sharing is one of the basic tenets of communism, the behavior must not be tolerated in a nation that historically has fostered individualism over collectivism, no matter how generally good it may be for people. When reminded by one outspoken journalist that Jesus Christ advocated sharing, Mr. Selvitch responded with "God helps those who help themselves." After pausing as if he expected applause, he went on to say that the version of the bible he regularly reads, the true living word of God, makes no mention of communism. Standing by Selvitch at the conference, a spokesperson for the automobile industry supported this neo-individualistic point of view by referring to the one person-one car lifestyle of most people in the country. "Individualism must be the natural way of things at least on American highways. Just look at all the single souls riding in their personal vehicles. Makes the heart beat faster to see people fending for themselves." He and Selvitch shared an agreeing nod and grinned with satisfaction. Selvitch went on to explain that the sooner all people found their own jobs, drove their own cars, paid for their own residences, bought their own meals, acquired their own things, kept their opinions to themselves, and did what was expected of them, we all would be better for it. He further stated that communists, socialists, unionists, and groups of all colors ought to be hunted down, captured, and imprisoned where they can share room and board for the rest of their lives. He ended his pronouncement by saying, "God bless the United States of America, the land of the free and the home of the brave, where we're all individuals like everyone else."

PHONE HEADS

"A revolutionary breakthrough in interpersonal communications!" That is how the Center for Audiovocal Language Delivery, or the CALD, described the latest development in cellular telephone technology. Speaking for the Center, Doctor Chester Celote, a prominent scientist in the CALD research and development, said, "We have freed the telephone talker from the burden of the external device. No longer will cell phone users everywhere have to hold the instrument in one hand while listening and talking." The doctor went on to say that the CALD has invented a sender-receiver combination the size of a chigger. Thanks to the science of implantation, an ordinary medical practitioner can embed the tiny device permanently in a person's head without the slightest trace. Any CALD cell phone user will be able to carry on a conversation while driving a car, bathing a baby, shopping the mall, cleaning house, playing golf, bathing, and even making love. The opportunities are endless.

DANCING WITH OURSELVES

What's the use in dancing with strangers, when all we get is disappointment or venereal disease? Making friends counts for nothing in this tragicomedy of life. Pursuing friendship is a waste of time. We gaze at each other irresistibly and chatter about personalities but shudder when close enough to rub shoulders or touch the heart. Magnetized like atomic particles we orbit one another endlessly flying off when the revolution spins too fast instead of gravitating towards the center. So being alone is most akin to the freedom that fires our national mentality. We all prefer our individuality to family and friends and neighbors. So what use pretending to be devoted to each other when we prefer to drive alone forever than share a ride with any living soul?

The Golden Rule has turned into a brazen caliper befitting every situation planned and built for obsolescence. Neighbors are not worth the love we ourselves deserve. Jesus has to be a god for no man on Earth can show such charity towards his fellows without something in return. No Pythiases for Damons now. The virtues of today are calumny, privacy, supremacy, and gain. Ask not what I can do for you but what you can do for me. Life has become a game of success at any cost where only strength survives. We play to win regardless of the weak. Number one the goal we seek beyond kind or kin. A castle on a hill, a darkened limousine, power to create or destroy life, and wealth unlimited by governments or gods--all one needs to find the peace of mind in solitude. A man alone is a wonder to behold. Other people merely stepping stones to dominate the mystical pyramid that towers through the ozone where no vulgarmass of humanity blocks the privileged view. Halleluya to the sole Colossus of the World! Start the music and step in time. Do not chose a partner to lead or follow. We dance solo. Duets are as passé as families at home. There is an intoxicating freedom in a pirouette that spins to make the independence we all seek from parent, spouse, priest, and president. Divided we stand taller than the next; united we fall into commonplace equality that hinders dominance.

Step to the beat, O Masters of the Earth, and make it quake with temblors of our own storm and stress and singularity of form. We were created for dominion by a God existing in our own image. No better proof of singular force can ever be found than in this reflection of personal devotion embracing itself to do the solitary dance of man alone.


FIGHT FOR FREEDOM!

Now is the time for all good men and women to join the fight for freedom. Universal freedom. For too long we have sat back on our well-padded butts and enjoyed the precious liberties we take so much for granted in these United States of America. We have luxuriated in the Bill of Rights as well as the unwritten claim to arbitrary rights, which we all witness on the streets everyday. Enough to say that no slogan suits us better in this most magnificent nation of ours than the popular declaration: "It's a free country!" Makes the heart pound and the eyes tear just to say it. But, again, we have been remiss in our libertarian pleasure, while the rest of the world has suffered deprivation in varying degrees of the God-given freedom we so much enjoy. Others must now agree with me and the enlightened powers of this beloved country that it is high time we saved the rest of the world for life, liberty, and the American way.

Since the United States government has invaded and conquered Iraq, despite the protests of backward people around the world that it was an unprovoked attack on a sovereign nation, that action has set a precedent for further preemptive strikes for the sake of peace and freedom and not a little power. Let's see. Who's next? We have to decide which group to challenge, intimidate, or just plain attack--but so many delectable choices. And what do we need with the righteous sanction of the United Nations to help us choose when we can so easily muster the self-righteous justification for war without international consequence? God! Ain't it wonderful! The good old U S of A is the mightiest nation on Earth! Hell! She's greatest nation ever known on Earth. Our destiny is as manifest and manifold as our huge Department of Defense. We have an opportunity--damn it, a duty to take this glorious experiment in government to the crumbling steps of every capitol in every independent state on the globe. Indeed, we shall and should make over the world into our image, the same as God created us in His image. Ah, yes! The United Nations of America. The grand phrase makes ones shudder. Think of it! The U.N.A. Absolutely. A worldwide meganation under a rippling twenty-foot flag. Picture it: a vast field of navy blue sparkling with a pure white pentagram for every entity we have freed from quaint but misguided notions of self-determination. Eat your hearts out Alexander, Caesar, Khan, Napoleon, Hirohito, and Hitler. Real power has finally come to pass.

Now is the time. With the threat of that tyrant, Saddam Hussein, neutralized so effectively by our mighty military machine, we are poised for further victory. Again, I ask--who is next? Syria? Iran? North Korea? Cuba? Our semi-elected leader, George W. Bush, has already identified most of these rogue states as part of an evil axis, reminiscent of the fascist nations we almost singlehandedly fought and defeated in World War II. Since we have taken the first step in striking evil before it can strike us, whether or not it actually intends to do so, we should not wait for either congressional or multinational approval to continue our holy crusade. But this must not be confused with the Moslem holy war. Unlike other countries in the world, America knows what she is doing. She always know. Whatever we as Americans do is right, even if the means to get there arouse the outraged moral indignation of marginal people everywhere. We know this, because our president tells us so.

March! March! March into every nation that pretends a threat to our security, our sovereignty, our God-blessed superiority. With the greatest military-industrial force the world has ever known we are unstoppable. Invincible. And as our combat boots stomp foreign flags into the dirt, we will sing in celebration and thanksgiving. Our national anthem shall resound across deserts, travel oceans, and ring off mountaintops. We will paint our brave new world red, white, and blue. We will channel all of the planetary resources tens of thousands of miles to supply the insatiable appetites of our glorious fatherland. Every fish in the sea, every fossil fuel, every mineral, every tree, every product of fertile land, every bird in the sky will gravitate to the first true center of civilization--the United States of Earth.

When our flag is flying on all the capitols of this great orb, when our plutocratic ideals are as common as the air people breathe, when our sacred nation becomes the first truly paradise for the rich and powerful, then we will set our sights on the stars. After we have scoured our own solar system for any resources it may bear to enhance further our exalted empire, we will take flight for neighboring galaxies. We will search out and destroy other civilizations, other axes of evil. And just as we have found every rationale imaginable for dominating and decimating any sub-cultures on our own planet for the holy aggrandizement of our own nation, we will conquer other planets. The new, grand United States will be more than the terror of the world but the horror of the universe.


HOW TO TEACH ENGLISH

Through much trial and error over many years working with English students in classrooms, I have discovered the one true method by which we all can teach the language and learn from our efforts. Thanks to the thorough directions of various offices and officials of the U.S. Department of Education, I now feel so confident about my ability to manage classroom productively, that I want to share my fortunate findings with all my colleagues. Most important, we teachers must align content and performance standards to assessment, instruction, and learning. Content standards state our expectations of what our students should know and be able to do in particular subjects and grade levels. Performance standards explicitly define how students must demonstrate proficiency at a specific level on the content standards. For example, dimensions must be assessed as represented in a rubric that defines what the criteria mean and how they are utilized.

Furthermore, assessment quantifies information about performance in a system that includes a norm-referenced or a criterion-referenced system, an alternative-assessment system, and multifarious classroom assessments. A norm-referenced assessment compares student performances to those of a norm group. A criterion-referenced assessment compares individual performance to a specific learning objective or performance standard. An alternative-assessment system requires students to generate responses to prompts or tasks rather than choose from a set of provided responses. Portfolios are examples of the assessment alternatives we think of when we use the term "alternative assessment". Classroom assessments are developed, administered, and scored by teachers to evaluate student performance on various topics. A classroom assessment may be directly aligned into the other assessment systems, culminating in the on-demand assessment.

These assessments are scored in one or two ways: analytically or holistically. Analytic scoring evaluates student work across multiple dimensions of performance; holistic scoring evaluates student work across an overall impression of student work. To accomplish this evaluation, after benchmarks or scales have been described for expected student performance at particular ages, grades, or development levels, raters use anchors to acquaint themselves with criteria and rubrics that include content, organization, style, mechanics, usage, grammar, and spelling.

In this way, standardization is validated and ensured, students have an opportunity to learn and be appropriately evaluated. Most of all, equity is reliably established for all students with or without disabilities or limited language proficiency. It could not be simpler.


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