Satire


THE PLENTIFUL DIRT PSALM

The earth is my dump ground;
I shall not want.
It lets me litter in green pastures;
it lets me befoul the clear waters.
It empties my hands.
It shows me clean places for wastefulness for my own sake.
Yea, while I walk through the valley full of garbage & filth
I fear no retrieval,
for my country is free.
Your roads and your paths are for me;
you have provided terrain for me with the absence of authorities;
you cover my junk with snow.
My can overflows.
Surely rodents & insects will follow me all the days of my life,
and I dwell in the trash of the world forever.


THE AMERICAN CREED

I believe in the United States of Armorica as a nation of the rich, by the rich, and for the rich; whose pompous powers are devised from the credulity of the governed; a plutocracy in a disrepublic; a suffering nation of many suffering states; a simulated union multiple and divisible; established upon the principles of greed, inequality, injustice, and vanity for which the American faithful have lost their savings and their lives. I therefore believe it is my duty to my country to sack it, to re-interpret its Constitution, to abuse its laws, to capitalize on its flag, and to let others defend it against all my enemies. So help me God.

BUSH PROPOSES TEMPORARY DEATH PENALTY

The Bush administration, in an enduring effort to convince people of its boundless compassion, has decided to compromise with opponents of the death penalty. Instead of killing persons convicted of capital crimes, as the president when governor of Texas directed on scores of occasions, the administration now, taking a page from the more humane hunters of wild animals, advocates a national policy of execute and revive, whereby individuals' lives would be temporarily terminated then brought back to vitality before significant brain damage could occur. In this way the administration believes that liberal-minded people will be satisfied with the elimination of the practice of permanently killing people who kill people. Likewise, those advocating the death of prisoners should be pleased by the noticeable suffering they would undergo before and during the execution, especially since the procedure could be repeated many times. Of course to make the punishment as capital as possible, at any given execution the prisoners would have to believe they were truly going to die. After all, according to the president, those to be executed, even though temporarily, must not sense a drop of mercy. This proposed policy shows yet another example of the innovative and practical thinking that distinguishes the current White House.

APOLOGIUM AD LINGUA DEXTRA

We are obligated to institute by nationalized legislation that the English language be actuated with the utilization of verbiage and configuration to promulgate the professionally intellectualized expression of apparently educated personages in the populace. Linguistic influence is optimally accomplished by the constant and continual usage of impressive grammar, syntax, and vocabulation. The lengthiest and obscurest verbal demonstration of sophisticated erudition efficaciously impacts the impressionable sensibilities of less illuminated individuals who habitate in magnitudinous enumeration every environ of our rotund solaristic domain. Therefore, this multitudinous population by necessitation should be indoctrinated with the absolutely correct and cooperational function of syllabic constructiveness that emanates from the magnificent orifices in the inferior segment of our anterior physiognomies. Only at that situation in contemporaneous progression shall homosapiens exist in an atmosphere of communicative potentiation commensurate with lingual capabilities appropriate for superior entities anointed by a Supreme Being with the bequest of unique and universal confabulation of ordinary utterance.

All written work is the exclusive property of John Stephen Rohde, writing as Jack Forge. Production or reproduction without permission are prohibited.

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